As we come up to Mothers' Day, I thought I'd point you in the direction of two contrasting stories that have emerged this week - both about mothers' relationship to their sons, both causing a bit of a stir in the press.
Julie Myerson has hit the headlines on the back of her latest book, a reworking of the real life conflicts which resulted in her barring son Jake from the house. Should she have put all this in the public domain? The general concensus is no.
Meanwhile, Lucy Baxter is going public with a completely different problem. Her son Otto, 21, has Down's Syndrome, and as a result is finding it difficult to have the normal sexual experiences that a lad of his age wants and expects.
Now, I'm not a mother, so my insights will be limited here - but I'm far more moved, and far less outraged by the the second story than the first. It feels to me absolutely commendable - and very farseeing - that Lucy should be fighting publicly for her son's right to a happy, healthy sex life; his mother is not only doing him a good turn, but doing good for all the other physically and mentally handicapped youngsters (and oldsters) who aren't seen as sexual beings, and who are therefore denied an outlet for their passionate feelings.
The slight nose-twitching that has been going on in response to her speaking out seems to me to be utterly unwarranted. Why should Otto be penalised simply because he has a medical condition? Why should we not support him simply because he does not tally with our view of 'fit'. Why should we not see him as a sexual adult who needs and deserves the pleasure and comfort of an intimate relationship. As Lucy Baxter says, "it's society who has a learning disability" in this respect.
As for Julie Myerson? Yes, her child's drug habit is heartbreaking and everyone sympathises. But perhaps she could learn a lot from Lucy Baxter's support of her son as he tries to make that difficult transition to individuated adulthood.
And perhaps both Julie and her son should thank heaven they don't have the challenges that the Baxter family faces, day in and day out...
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Naked as nature intended?
I for one will be tuning in to BBC 2's Horizon tomorrow at 9pm for a fascinating glimpse of what we sexologists consider our daily bread: nudity.
The programme will be exploring just why human beings feel embarrassed when they take their clothes off - and, by means of a series of exercises, will be attempting to lower the embarrassment factor for a group of volunteers. Apparently the exercises are so successful that at the end of the filming process, the group walks to their 'take-me-home' taxis stark naked. Gripping stuff.
Of course what interests me most here are the sex-related implications. Apparently we humans are socialised into a wariness of nudity in order to keep sexual temptation to a minimum, avoid infidelity and maintain social stability. Mmm.... I do fail to imagine everyone suddenly jumping into bed with everyone else just because the clothes are off. Nudist camps, by dint of intelligence and respect, manage not to generate daily orgies - and speaking for myself, seeing a naked man who I'm not personally involved with is a turn-off rather than a turn-on. Nevertheless, I get the point.
But I do still have a problem with the backlash that such socialisation creates in society. Because I'd be a rich woman if I had a pound for every advice-seeking letter from a reader who's hung up about their body, hung up about physical intimacy, hung up about getting naked even with the person whom they most love and desire.
Our emphasis on nudity may be keeping us all safe from making love indiscriminately - but it's also keeping us from being at ease with our bodies, and from being unembarrassed and comfortable with other people's bodies. It's also making us wary and inhibited in the very arena and in the very relationships where we should be most open, trusting and uninhibited.
Not to mention the fact that what's forbidden immediately becomes more fascinating. (I'd love to see some studies exploring whether people who are at ease with nudity are less prone to using pornography. I strongly suspect they are.)
So I'm with the Horizon group. No, I won't be walking naked to pick up the next taxi that I hail. But I'd love to live in a world where doing exactly that was entirely possible!
The programme will be exploring just why human beings feel embarrassed when they take their clothes off - and, by means of a series of exercises, will be attempting to lower the embarrassment factor for a group of volunteers. Apparently the exercises are so successful that at the end of the filming process, the group walks to their 'take-me-home' taxis stark naked. Gripping stuff.
Of course what interests me most here are the sex-related implications. Apparently we humans are socialised into a wariness of nudity in order to keep sexual temptation to a minimum, avoid infidelity and maintain social stability. Mmm.... I do fail to imagine everyone suddenly jumping into bed with everyone else just because the clothes are off. Nudist camps, by dint of intelligence and respect, manage not to generate daily orgies - and speaking for myself, seeing a naked man who I'm not personally involved with is a turn-off rather than a turn-on. Nevertheless, I get the point.
But I do still have a problem with the backlash that such socialisation creates in society. Because I'd be a rich woman if I had a pound for every advice-seeking letter from a reader who's hung up about their body, hung up about physical intimacy, hung up about getting naked even with the person whom they most love and desire.
Our emphasis on nudity may be keeping us all safe from making love indiscriminately - but it's also keeping us from being at ease with our bodies, and from being unembarrassed and comfortable with other people's bodies. It's also making us wary and inhibited in the very arena and in the very relationships where we should be most open, trusting and uninhibited.
Not to mention the fact that what's forbidden immediately becomes more fascinating. (I'd love to see some studies exploring whether people who are at ease with nudity are less prone to using pornography. I strongly suspect they are.)
So I'm with the Horizon group. No, I won't be walking naked to pick up the next taxi that I hail. But I'd love to live in a world where doing exactly that was entirely possible!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Reclaiming the joy
Sorry to revisit a topic I was going on about only a few weeks ago... but if there is one thing that I really "got" when I was rewriting Joy of Sex, it is that while sex may be the same as it was in 1972, the joy certainly isn't. Given the drip feed of horror stories in the press and the continuous warnings about the dangers of sex from all sides, we've somehow lost our optimism, our innocence - somehow, we've flushed the joy baby out with the bathwater.
Don't misunderstand. I'm not advocating condom-free orgies or emotion-free lust-fests. I'm as aware - and as vociferous - as anyone about just what we all need to do is order to make sex safe, sane, concensual and super-enjoyable. But I do feel that we've forgotten that sex is a Good Thing.
Which is why I was delighted to be invited to speak at a ground-breaking new conference in Devon yesterday. Run by the Eddystone Trust (with backing from the thinking person's condom-maker Durex) the training was packed with all sorts of fascinating folk from the world of South West sexual health. We had a great presentation on making older-age sex good, a fascinating interactive workshop on young people and risk taking, and an equally fascinating one on communication. Apparently one of the feedback forms said that it was 'the best workshop' the delegate had ever attended.
My contribution was to set a framework on just why we can get so negative - because of the above mentioned media panic and also, rightly, because of our need to protect ourselves (and particularly our young people) from the very real dangers of sex. I also made the point that sometimes being sex negative comes right from the heart of our own lives. If we love sex, we don't want others to spoil that by being irresponsible... if we've been disappointed in sex, we want to warn others of the dangers. It's all very understandable.
But I stil think it needs a rebalance. I still think we need to recontact the fact that, when safely and lovingly done, sex is one of the most wonderful things in the world. Lose the statistics, let's reclaim the emotion. Lose the cynicism, let's reclaim the joy...
Don't misunderstand. I'm not advocating condom-free orgies or emotion-free lust-fests. I'm as aware - and as vociferous - as anyone about just what we all need to do is order to make sex safe, sane, concensual and super-enjoyable. But I do feel that we've forgotten that sex is a Good Thing.
Which is why I was delighted to be invited to speak at a ground-breaking new conference in Devon yesterday. Run by the Eddystone Trust (with backing from the thinking person's condom-maker Durex) the training was packed with all sorts of fascinating folk from the world of South West sexual health. We had a great presentation on making older-age sex good, a fascinating interactive workshop on young people and risk taking, and an equally fascinating one on communication. Apparently one of the feedback forms said that it was 'the best workshop' the delegate had ever attended.
My contribution was to set a framework on just why we can get so negative - because of the above mentioned media panic and also, rightly, because of our need to protect ourselves (and particularly our young people) from the very real dangers of sex. I also made the point that sometimes being sex negative comes right from the heart of our own lives. If we love sex, we don't want others to spoil that by being irresponsible... if we've been disappointed in sex, we want to warn others of the dangers. It's all very understandable.
But I stil think it needs a rebalance. I still think we need to recontact the fact that, when safely and lovingly done, sex is one of the most wonderful things in the world. Lose the statistics, let's reclaim the emotion. Lose the cynicism, let's reclaim the joy...
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Yet More Joy
So just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water... they publish two more books in the Joy of Sex series.
In other words, though I've batting on for months now about the original book, what I didn't stress was that it isn't just a book, it's a whole brand. And this week the next two books in the brand hit the UK shelves (US readers, sadly, have to wait until May to get their hands on them).
The Romantic Lover. The Adventurous Lover. Not to descend into back-cover blurb, but they're both small-and-perfectly-formed hard-backed pocket books, illustrated with more of the great Joy of Sex photos - though the text is entirely new.
Both do what they say on the tin. The Romantic Lover majors on all things pink and loving with sections on massage, foreplay and simultaneous orgasm (yes, it is possible!). The Adventurous Lover ventures into more exotic territory, with sections on anal, bondage and swinging. I can't claim to have tried in full everything I wrote about, but I have talked - in detail - to those who have. :)
So onward and upward. Next stop - later in the year - the Long Weekend Lover. And if anyone out there has any special requests for more titles, we have a long publishing list to go. All ideas gratefully accepted!
In other words, though I've batting on for months now about the original book, what I didn't stress was that it isn't just a book, it's a whole brand. And this week the next two books in the brand hit the UK shelves (US readers, sadly, have to wait until May to get their hands on them).
The Romantic Lover. The Adventurous Lover. Not to descend into back-cover blurb, but they're both small-and-perfectly-formed hard-backed pocket books, illustrated with more of the great Joy of Sex photos - though the text is entirely new.
Both do what they say on the tin. The Romantic Lover majors on all things pink and loving with sections on massage, foreplay and simultaneous orgasm (yes, it is possible!). The Adventurous Lover ventures into more exotic territory, with sections on anal, bondage and swinging. I can't claim to have tried in full everything I wrote about, but I have talked - in detail - to those who have. :)
So onward and upward. Next stop - later in the year - the Long Weekend Lover. And if anyone out there has any special requests for more titles, we have a long publishing list to go. All ideas gratefully accepted!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Joy coming home to roost...
I've spent, in my role as Joy of Sex spokeswoman, the last six months talking about sex - to journalists, TV presenters, radio hosts. And the one thing they always ask me is how things have changed since the book was first published 37 years ago. Typically I list the scientific changes, the rise of the Internet... and eventually come round to the fact that in 1972 there was an atmosphere - how can I put this - of naive optimism.
The orignal book reflected those times, those heady, postpill, sexual-revolution times when (to paraphrase Alex Comfort) a sexually transmitted infection was seen as slightly less problematic than a dose of flue, and infidelity was seen as par for the course.We look back now and wince...
And wincing is very much on the menu this week as reports come through of a sharp rise in sexual cancers in the wake of said revolution. The study, from King's College London, points out that the rate of cancers triggered by the HPV virus have rocketted since the Swinging Sixties and Seventies. And we all know why.
I was there - and contrary to the cliche, I remember it! Thank heaven I was informed and sensible enough to keep my sexual contacts safe and loving - but that wasn't the norm. We genuinely thought that if we were on the pill we were safe from all harm - and that meant we could play without protection. And it is deeply sad that we are now paying the price for our ignorance.
But let's remember that it was ignorance - and let's steer clear of the moralising about those times that is already appearing in the popular press. Please don't blame us. We weren't evil, we weren't immoral, we didnt' set out to have orgies. We were young and hormonally fuelled - and most importantly we just didn't know how dangerous it could be to have sex.
Now society knows, and is much more wary (though interestingly of course, it is this very generation that still doesn't quite realise that they are in danger - the 40+ cohort is currently the one where STI rates are rising highest.) And that in itself is sad.
Because, for all the illness, all the abuse, all the unhappiness that unconsidered sex can cause. we still need to remember that - safely and happily done - sex is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!
The orignal book reflected those times, those heady, postpill, sexual-revolution times when (to paraphrase Alex Comfort) a sexually transmitted infection was seen as slightly less problematic than a dose of flue, and infidelity was seen as par for the course.We look back now and wince...
And wincing is very much on the menu this week as reports come through of a sharp rise in sexual cancers in the wake of said revolution. The study, from King's College London, points out that the rate of cancers triggered by the HPV virus have rocketted since the Swinging Sixties and Seventies. And we all know why.
I was there - and contrary to the cliche, I remember it! Thank heaven I was informed and sensible enough to keep my sexual contacts safe and loving - but that wasn't the norm. We genuinely thought that if we were on the pill we were safe from all harm - and that meant we could play without protection. And it is deeply sad that we are now paying the price for our ignorance.
But let's remember that it was ignorance - and let's steer clear of the moralising about those times that is already appearing in the popular press. Please don't blame us. We weren't evil, we weren't immoral, we didnt' set out to have orgies. We were young and hormonally fuelled - and most importantly we just didn't know how dangerous it could be to have sex.
Now society knows, and is much more wary (though interestingly of course, it is this very generation that still doesn't quite realise that they are in danger - the 40+ cohort is currently the one where STI rates are rising highest.) And that in itself is sad.
Because, for all the illness, all the abuse, all the unhappiness that unconsidered sex can cause. we still need to remember that - safely and happily done - sex is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Back from the US
Well, I'm back! And the answer to the questions I posed before departure (will I say the right things... will I do the right things... will everyone be able to understand my exotic British accent) is apparently Yes.
To take the last one, I was surprised and delighted at the response to my Britishiness. The exact comment from one TV producer - echoed by many more - was "The word "masturbation" in a Texan accent sounds dirty; in a British accent it sounds decent. We love it!". So there you go...
On a more serious note, I was delighted at the response - the amazing publishers have sold their initial print run of 30,000 copies of the book and are currently ordering in more; it's only been out three weeks.
Just as nice, the interviewers were supportive, the phone-in clients enthusiastic. I had been worried - warned from all directions - that a US audience might be wary. Seems not - lots of phone calls offering congratulations on covering the topic, lots of phone calls asking upfront questions of the kind that you only rarely get this side of the pond.
Only one regret... I was asked to do Oprah (yessss....) but at the last moment got bumped; the amazing "plane-landing-in-the-Hudson" story was just too big.
Back down to earth now and focussing on the British launch of the next two follow-on books - Joy of Sex Romantic Lover and Joy of Sex Adventurous Lover. The Yanks are still ringing me though and there are few things in the pipeline; I may have to swim the Pond again very soon. Can't wait!
To take the last one, I was surprised and delighted at the response to my Britishiness. The exact comment from one TV producer - echoed by many more - was "The word "masturbation" in a Texan accent sounds dirty; in a British accent it sounds decent. We love it!". So there you go...
On a more serious note, I was delighted at the response - the amazing publishers have sold their initial print run of 30,000 copies of the book and are currently ordering in more; it's only been out three weeks.
Just as nice, the interviewers were supportive, the phone-in clients enthusiastic. I had been worried - warned from all directions - that a US audience might be wary. Seems not - lots of phone calls offering congratulations on covering the topic, lots of phone calls asking upfront questions of the kind that you only rarely get this side of the pond.
Only one regret... I was asked to do Oprah (yessss....) but at the last moment got bumped; the amazing "plane-landing-in-the-Hudson" story was just too big.
Back down to earth now and focussing on the British launch of the next two follow-on books - Joy of Sex Romantic Lover and Joy of Sex Adventurous Lover. The Yanks are still ringing me though and there are few things in the pipeline; I may have to swim the Pond again very soon. Can't wait!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Off to the USA...
Just a quick postcard as I set off for the next round of publicity for Joy of Sex. This time it's in the States. No, don't get jealous - though it is fun to be flying off to the Big Apple, what will happen when I get there is a relentless circus of appearances and jet lag. All worthwhile, all helpful to the book, but tiring nevertheless.
Justina from Crown, who is publishing my book, has been working hard. As a result, I've been lucky enough to get two slots on the Today programme (The Big Early Morning Show) and a slot on Nightline (The Big Late Night News Show), plus a whole slew of national and regional TV, radio and website interviews and some interesting meetings with production companies and sex toy manufacturers.
I have to admit to a little trepidation; will I say the right things, will I do the right things, and will everyone be able to understand my exotic British accent? But hey, if you don't have the adventures, then you've never lived.
More to come, on my return....
Justina from Crown, who is publishing my book, has been working hard. As a result, I've been lucky enough to get two slots on the Today programme (The Big Early Morning Show) and a slot on Nightline (The Big Late Night News Show), plus a whole slew of national and regional TV, radio and website interviews and some interesting meetings with production companies and sex toy manufacturers.
I have to admit to a little trepidation; will I say the right things, will I do the right things, and will everyone be able to understand my exotic British accent? But hey, if you don't have the adventures, then you've never lived.
More to come, on my return....
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